It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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