if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
