i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
So. Much. Porn.
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