shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
