So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Im part way to drunk.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
