Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize