when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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