He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
