So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
