I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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