Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
