dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
