My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
