today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
