Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
