I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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