I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
