When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
