Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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