My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
