my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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