These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I pour the whiskey from now on
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
