When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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