Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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