it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
