Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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