I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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