Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
