i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
