So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
