yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
