And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
