When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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