I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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