I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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