My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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