Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
