Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
