Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
sex in a hospital.. check
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
