I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
