Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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