Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
