GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
