I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize