Only a mothe r could love this liver
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
