i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
