Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
