...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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