please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
