found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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