Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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