My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want her autograph on my taint
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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