my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
