talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
