i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
