Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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