There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize