Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She told me I should be a condom model.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
