I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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