my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
and you fell through a lawn chair
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
