All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
