are you still at the devil's house?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We need a shit load of segways right now
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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