if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
