I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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