so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
pray to the hookup gods
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
