Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
