"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
