If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize