Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
